As we all know, most global warming is caused by rednecks driving giant gas-hogging SUVs. You and I can drive as many sensible vehicles as we want, but it will barely make a dent in the damage these guys cause. I live in Louisiana, so I know a thing or two about rednecks. I know the one thing rednecks like more than giant trucks. Answer: Going fast.

So how do we convince these Neanderthals to give up their Hummers and drive something reasonable and green? We let them go fast. We should make it a law that SUVs have a universal speed limit of 50MPH while hybrids, scooters, Segways, and other eco-friendly vehicles are allowed to go as fast as they want on the Interstate.

I don’t want any money for my idea (although I should patent it) I just want recognition as the guy that saved billons of lives by fixing global warming.

Whose bright idea was it to have 2,000 of them all burning at the same time?

“Nobody planned it, those fires were all started by lightning.” you’ll tell me. Puh-leaze. Lightning started 2,000 separate fires that all just happened to be on Federal land managed by the Bush Administration?

Exactly how stupid do you think I am?