GranolaFag Weekly

I have an idea that I think could help save our planet.

As we all know, most global warming is caused by rednecks driving giant gas-hogging SUVs. You and I can drive as many sensible vehicles as we want, but it will barely make a dent in the damage these guys cause. I live in Louisiana, so I know a thing or two about rednecks. I know the one thing rednecks like more than giant trucks. Answer: Going fast.

So how do we convince these Neanderthals to give up their Hummers and drive something reasonable and green? We let them go fast. We should make it a law that SUVs have a universal speed limit of 50MPH while hybrids, scooters, Segways, and other eco-friendly vehicles are allowed to go as fast as they want on the Interstate.

I don’t want any money for my idea (although I should patent it) I just want recognition as the guy that saved billons of lives by fixing global warming.

Yesterday I posted about whether or not the consequences of the California wildfires had really be thought through. Could non-standard, non-industrial/corporate sources of warming be so easily overlooked? Could these be the “missing link” that could finally silence the climate change deniers?

Like I said, I’m not an “official” climate scientist (just a serious amateur) so I don’t have millions of dollars in lab equipment and balloons, but I am smart enough and I do have enough resources to notice that it has definitely been hotter lately.

Another idea I’ve been mulling around is the possibility that the mere act of drilling for oil is warming the planet. I know it seems silly at first, but when you really think about it starts to make sense:

1. We’re drilling holes hundreds of miles deep into the Earth’s crust. The crust is the part of the planet that shields us from the heat of the core and mantel. We’re basically putting holes in the insulation that prevents our planet from turning into a star.

2. We’re extracting the carbon-based oil that the dinosaurs put there billions of years ago. Carbon is toxic to humans and to our planet so what do we do with it? We put it in our cars and burn it so that it goes up into the atmosphere and back down into our lungs. GOOD PLAN, GENIUSES!

3. What is the number one indicator of global warming? Rising ocean temperatures. Where is the crust the thinnest? Under the oceans. Where do we drill most of our oil wells? Take a guess…

I guarantee you won’t ever hear a thing about this from the mainstream media. They’re all multinational corporations that care more about stock price than the environment. Luckily I’m not beholden to any special interests other than my cats.

From Reuters

 Climate change could end globalization by 2040 as nations look inward to conserve scarce resources and conflicts flare when refugees flee rising seas and drought, national security experts warned on Monday.

Now that climate change is obvious and “all up in your business” you won’t ignore it, will you, guys? When all it did was kill poor non-white people it wasn’t a big deal, but now that it threatens profit? SOUND THE ALARM!

“Some of the consequences could essentially involve the end of globalization as we have known it … as different parts of the Earth contract upon themselves in order to try to conserve what they need to survive,” said Fuerth, who was national security adviser to former Vice President Al Gore.

This may actually be one of the positive side-effects of all this madness: the end of globalization. No longer will America be able to rape foreign cultures in pursuit of the all-mighty dollar. I can’t wait for the day when money is worthless and we can all finally concentrate on what’s really important in life: love.

From msnbc.com

Gulf Coast residents were on watch and oil companies evacuated hundreds of nonessential workers as forecasters said Thursday that a storm system now off Florida could strengthen as it moves west.

I love how the fact that another hurricane might not only kill thousands of innocent people, but it’s not a news story until THE OIL COMPANIES have to evacuate workers ( I have a question: If they’re not essential, why are the workers there in the first place?). God forbid the giant corporations should lose some of their billions of dollars in ill-gotten gains. It would be areal shame if their CEOs had to sell one of their vacation houses because of severe weather their own companies are largely responsible for in the first place.

We never had hurricanes like this before, how can anyone face the evidence (Hasn’t everyone seen An Inconvenient Truth by now?) and still insist that we’re not in trouble?  How can anyone delude themselves like that? I’m not talking about backwoods rednecks, either, there are tons of people out there that live in real cities and have access to real newspapers and the Internet (the NYT just quit charging for content)  yet still fall victim to the lunatics and corporation-sponsored disinformation? Some people just refuse to face the truth and it makes me pity them.

The National Hurricane Center was sending an aircraft into the system later Thursday to get more precise data. 

Good plan, Einstein.  Burning fossil fuels are  what got us into this mess in the first place and now you want to put even more of them directly into the hurricane??? Who is in charge of the National hurricane Center?  Probably one of W’s idiot rich Yale buddies who doesn’t know the first thing about science or weather. Maybe we should dump some plutonium in there, too!

In New Orleans, emergency preparedness officials urged residents to begin making evacuation plans in case the system develops into a tropical storm or worse.

“We want citizens to understand their personal responsibility of developing their own plan,” said Col. Terry Ebbert, the city’s homeland security director. He urged them to buy supplies and be ready to care for themselves.

Ha! Way to blame the victims and shift the burden to the poor people of New Orleans.  Isn’t that what they elected you to do, Col. Terry Ebbert? Now people are supposed to buy their own supplies and ride the storm out on their own? I bet if Halliburton sold buses there would be thousands of them ready to take the citizens to safety. Well, maybe not, since they’re black and, to quote my main man Kanye: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. He nailed it right there, anyone who doesn’t get it after that is a lost cause.

The weather system also led oil companies to fly nonessential workers off of offshore platforms in the Gulf of Mexico, but only a small amount of production had been stopped so far.

Nice, the oil  company employees get first class treatment and a free flight home (except for the essential ones necessary to keep the blood money flowing) but the working class folks in New Orleans are left to fend for themselves with whatever supplies their food stamps will buy for them and their family. I am literally sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I like to end on a happy note,  but I don’t know if I can find a silver lining in this cloud of gasoline smoke. I’ll try, anyway:  If a few thousand MORE people get killed in this hurricane maybe this will be the wakeup call America needs and this whole disaster might have actually been worth it.